I started crying like an idiot yesterday after we talked in my car.

We were talking and the scene being replayed in my head is:

"I mean I know you like her...", i said.

"I dont like her", he said.

"Dont say that, no dont even say that", i said, thinking for a while (god thats good...but then amazed...that cant be true).

"I love her. She's my wife", he said.

I felt a big blast in my heart, as if a hurricane had just passed, i knew this, this was nothing new to me, but it was like being slapped with the truth on my face.

His phone rang. I didnt have time to answer his previous statement. He looked at the phone and said,"Its her, i see you around".

I started the car and left,about a block after i had to stop driving, because i was histerically crying.

I brought this on myself, i knew this was going to happen, its not bothering him,her nor anyone but myself; but i knew this was going to happen. I put myself in this situation and i myself will get out of it; which matter of fact is nothing difficult if i honestly really really wanted to get out of it, because it seems, its almost obvious that he doesnt care, and its for sure that nothing but shitty feelings and trouble can come out of it.

I called Tom yesterday morning.

I need a bf, today is my first day on school...well new semester.

And the scene keeps replaying in my head....i will go out later with Hidekel(my current best friend!!).

I want him you know, i really do like this man,but he is married, what can i do?

But then again, why the fuck did he ever start flirting with me, why the hell does he tell me he likes me, that he thinks of me...it only makes me want to stay...it only makes me to not want to leave him. Everytime i suggest that this is it....he doesnt stop me...he tells me he understands....he doesnt try to stop me. He doesnt tell me that he likes me or anything. He stayes quiet, stares at me with those lucious lips and says "I mean what can i say, you're young, any decisions you make are yours, i wont influence you to do anything that you dont want to do. Whatever you want, whatever is right for you."

God, i feel like crap....i dont care about him....i just want someone to love me...

I dont want to be second nor 3rd nor 4rth or even 5th in anyone's life...

I want to be 1st and if not the only one...at least the #1 priority. I want to belong, i want to feel. I want passion...everlasting passion. I have desire, i have the will...i just need someone to share it with and right now i dont seem to be worth enough to be anyone's #1.

I need someone to fill this empty space in my life...someone i can satisfy and satisfies me back...i have all this desire crumbled up like foil paper in the corner of an empty desolated white room...will anyone ever pick it up or just merely be interested in unfolding it...

i sound so ridiculous...i have issues and im complicated.

complicated.

complicated.

complicated.

Rather simply i would say, i just want the same thing you once wanted in your life....

im tired of being lonely...but i dont conform with whats out there...with what comes to me, i want what i want...and its not showing up.

Im degrading my standards, myself, my respects.

I think im desperate. Im sure i am, i'm drowning like they say.

Married,3 kids, wife....so not for me, he knows it, i know it...i still want him...of course right now im taking a change in my course of action. No more, thats it between what was and what is. We're done, it not like he wants it to go on anyway, its not like it will.

Now...me..single,19, college, virgin...horny all the time lol.

God send me an angel!